I consider this to be my first adult Christmas. It's the first year I've had money to blow on presents for other people and also the first year that I've had to pick presents out for four little girls. The little girls in question are Ernesto's nieces ages 10,8,5 and 2. Ernesto and I spent all of the twenty-third picking out stuff for everyone, including my notoriously impossible to shop for mother.
At the end of the day we had everything and since we'd made the deal that he'd clean the house and I'd wrap the presents I sat down with a glass of wine and a cigarette, confident that I could tackle the mountain that lay before me. I laid out the paper, scissors and ribbon as if I was on a battle station. I started to wrap one gift.
See, I had started out with a feeling of self-confidence that soon proved to be false. In high school we used to wrap presents at Borders for donation money for the orchestra. By the end of the day I would be flying through each gift, corners perfectly folded and bows immaculately accenting the paper. I guess I kinda figured it was like riding a bike.
I was dead wrong.
The first present seemed to be turning out alright, a little iffy but I figured it would be fine, that is, until I turned it over and found that a whole quarter of the package didn't have a stitch of paper on it. Goddamn it. I cut out a little square quietly and taped it on. I thought I was so slick until the muffled laughter behind me grew uncontrollable. Tarik and Ernesto apparently couldn't contain themselves after all of my arrogant bragging. As they hooted and hollered I tried my best to ignore them and wrapped another one. I'd gone off the deep end, paper-wise, and now was stuck with gigantic ends on either side which I tried to fold tightly against the package.
Essentially I had made a Christmas gift with love handles. Squeezing in the sides of ribbon, I cursed my inability to get away from love handles.
I was comforted as I watched Ernesto's nieces tear into their presents, no ten year old gives a shit about how their present is wrapped, the paper is just going to end up on the floor in a thousand pieces anyway.
I bought Ernesto a guitar for Christmas, a lovely Dean model that has a tuner built into the motherfucker. If only I could find a violin with the same attribute.
Christmas List:
1. A bulldog
2. An electric violin
3. A sapphire ring
4. Apples to Apples
Ha! The only thing I got was #4, twice! Except my mom wouldn't let me exchange the one that I got from my aunt and uncle and forced me to give it to her. What a beast.
Not that I really expected anything on the list, but it would have been totally sweet.
Apparently there's a beauty contest at the Riot Room that someone wants me to enter.
Uh, I wish.
By the way, this sort of gave me hope for the future. Apparently the CIA wins friends in Afghanistan by offering Viagra to aged tribe leaders who can no longer keep up with their four wives. In return, Afghani tribe leaders offer information on the Taliban and their whereabouts. See guys? Viagra isn't just for your limp weenies! It could save the world! Hef has it right with those towering easter baskets of Viagra.
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